Jeg gider snart ikke svare på det mere. I enhver social relation kommer de op. Jeg har desværre snart været arbejdsløs i et år, og det har ikke just været den mest opløftende oplevelse. Somme tider tager det al mit overskud at sige: “Det kommer på et tidspunkt”, andre dage tror jeg på det og siger det med den største overbevisning. Men der er specielt to replikker jeg er specielt træt når jeg bevæger mig i sociale relationer:

  1. “Nå, hvordan ser det så ud på jobfronten?”: Imens jeg somme tider bruger al min energi på, at komme med frem til det høflige svar på: “Det er noget lort at være ledig”, kan jeg ikke lade være med at tænke, om du ikke nok ville være meget bevidst, hvis jeg havde succes på “jobfronten”. Jeg mener, for mig ville det være en sejrsgang med armene permanent placeret over hovedet, i det øjeblik jeg træder ind ad din dør!
  2. “Husk at nyde friheden”: Er det frihed at være bundet til dagpengesystemet og ingen lys at kunne ane for enden af tunnelen? Jeg mener de fleste ting man kan gøre i sin frihed er som regel noget man skal bruge penge på og har du nogen som helst anelse om hvad man får på dagpenge? Og ja, jeg er da heldig, at dagpengene langsomt forsvinder efter hver måned, og en ny rolle som kontanthjælpsmodtager spøger over mig og giver mig stress. OG, hvordan kan man nyde situationen når alt man vil er at arbejde, være passioneret, få noget udrettet, og komme ud af den økonomiske strammedragt jeg sidder i nu?! Btw, så bliver frihed umenneskeligt kedeligt på et tidspunkt og jeg har brug for noget at lave og udvikle mig, og ikke have oplevelsen af at min hjerne er ved at forvandles til en ubrugelig suppe ligesom med den der “Teller” gør det mod uindbudte indtrængende på bank-planeten Karabraxos i Doctor Who!

At jeg er arbejdsløs var ikke et valg jeg tog. Det var en naturlig konsekvens af at færdiggøre sin uddannelse. Min erfaring indtil videre fortæller mig at meget af det, at få et arbejde handler om held. At være på det rigtige sted på det rigtige tidspunkt og snakke med de rigtige mennesker. Og alt imens jeg venter på (læs: forsøger at fremskynde processen ved at være så mange steder som muligt) at jeg tilfældigvis er heldig at være den der står på det rigtige sted overfor det rigtige menneske og gør et godt indtryk, gider jeg ikke høre på hvor heldig jeg er.

Nogle gange er den bedste taktik, at knytte sylten og snakke om noget andet end min arbejdsløshed – jeg skal nok selv bringe den på banen, hvis jeg har lyst til at snakke om.

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Jeg er meget stor fan af Netflix’s satsninger. Jeg var vild med OA, Stranger Things, 3% og Gilmore Girls. Alle fire serier som Netflix i forskellig grad har satset stort på. For nyligt er et par nye serier sprunget frem, og jeg har set, ihvertfald den ene af serierne: “13 Reasons Why” eller på dansk: “Døde piger lyver ikke”.

Umiddelbart kan den virke som en emo-selvmords fortælling, om en piges forsøg på at lange ud efter de mennesker der gjorde hende ondt. Specielt når man lader sig forudindtage af Netflix’s egen beskrivelse af første afsnit: “Mens der i skolen sørges over Hannah Bakers død, modtager hendes ven Clay en kasse med bånd. Båndene indeholder beskeder, hun optog, inden hun begik selvmord.”

Serien tager seerne igennem de forskellige følelser og smerter der er hos efterladte af en der har begået selvmord. Men plottet får et twist når hemmeligheder begynder at komme op til overfladen og afsløre andre teenagere og deres til tider nådesløse behandling af hende og hinanden. Båndene røber det svære teenage liv og hvordan uudviklede personligheder påvirkes, når det der absolut ikke må ske, sker.

Serien er præget af en undertone af sorg, smerte, og usikkerhed. Man følger, hvad der synes at være en underlæggende gode fyr, Clay’s rejse igennem båndende og Hannah Bakers egen fortælling om den sidste tid i hendes liv. Serien kan derfor virke svær, men er også fængende. Specielt eftersom tanken om Clay’s egen rolle i Hannah Bakers liv langsomt udfoldes og afslører en dybde i seriens budskab. Jeg selv blev fanget i seriens greb og nysgerrigheden om Clay’s rolle i serien blandt alle de onde teenagere der pludselig tårner sig omkring ham. Serien rammer stilistisk en underlig blanding af Pretty Little Liars, en god krimi og reklamerne om god behandling fra Call Me, når hemmeligheder kommer frem i lyset og påvirker deres ejermænds fremtidige færden blander sig med en underliggende tone om, at hvis blot vi alle passede bedre på hinanden, ville der fortsat have været flere liv i verdenen.

Sidenhen har jeg tænkt meget over, hvordan enhver handling kan påvirke ethvert menneske, uden at man selv ved det. Man får lyst til at være den person der spreder glæde og sikkerhed. Derudover har jeg simpelthen brug for at sige til alle i folkeskolen og gymnasiet, at livet bliver lettere når man er ude over ens usikre udvikling. Somme tider føles ens teenage-år som de absolut vigtigste og en af de mest signifikante formål i livet er at blive populær og forblive det. Det kan desværre tage én igennem en rejse fyldt med teenage-depression, usikkerhed, og det kan syntes som om en sort lyn-sky lægger sig over ens liv og kvæler en langsomt. Men for at kunne træde ud i voksenlivet, kræver livet nogle knubs, sår og buler. På et tidspunkt møder man lyset for enden af tunlen og voksenlivets varme stråler, når man træder væk fra sit tidligere teenageliv, erfaringer rigere og med større selvsikkerhed, velvidende at kun de mennesker der bliver ved med at holde fast i hierarkier muligvis er dem der mistede mest da voksenlivet bankede på døren.  Sådan var livet ihvertfald for mig. Ikke fordi der er nogle mennesker der i mit liv fortjener et bånd som i serien. Men fordi min usikkerhed på mig selv og mit liv, langt hen af vejen var med til at præge den usikkerhed der synes at lægge sig over mig som en tung, kvælende sky.

Men, under alle omstændigheder, er denne serie endnu en spændende satsning fra Netflix. Men pas på. Den kan være fangende og svær at komme væk fra, før man har set det hele.

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Jeg har altid godt kunne lide at danse og lege i køkkenet. Men min mad- og kage-passion spirede først for alvor frem da jeg blev konfronteret med en brat beslutning om at ændre alt jeg spiste. Da jeg først trådte ud fra speciallægen, så jeg madvarer og retter jeg pludselig ikke kunne spise for mig i deja vue, som en person der går planken ud. I første omgang var det i hvertfald sådan det føltes. Men efterhånden som jeg har ændret hist og her, lært alternativer til gluten og mælkeprodukter er jeg faldet pladask for livstilen. Derudover har det haft en masse lækre sidegevinster jeg ikke troede jeg havde problemer med. Det føltes som om min krop ikke skulle anstrenge sig længere, men for engang skyld kunne trække vejret frit og nyde livet. Mange af de “mekanismer” jeg før havde tolereret, var ikke længere et problem. Jeg mistede faktisk en masse overskydende vægt, uden at dette egentlig havde været meningen med diæt forandringen. Og pludselig var det at træne ikke en pestilens længere. Ikke at jeg pludselig var begejstret for at skulle træne, men det at tage en løbetur blev nemmere og jeg kunne pludselig mærke min krop imens jeg trænede. Jeg blev klar over, at jeg før følte det som om, jeg havde haft en sumo-bryder-dragt på hver gang jeg havde berørt noget som havde med træning at gøre.

Men mest af alt spirede en begyndende kærlighed for at eksperimentere i køkkenet frem. Jeg lod mig inspirere af mange forskellige mennesker, der på forskellige måder formåede at gøre omstillingen nemmere. Og idag tænkte jeg, at jeg ville dele min top 5 over kvinder der har inspireret mig, til anderledes retter, kager osv. Nogle af kvinderne er som mig: Glutenfrie. Andre er veganere og derfor naturligt uden mælkeprodukter. Så hver især bringer de noget nyt ind i min kost og lærer mig at tænke anderledes. Men til fælles er de alle fantastiske kvinder, hvor køkkenet er deres egen personlige legeplads. De har alle inspireret til mit eget udvalg af mad og jeg har endda tilføjet opskrifter der har været en direkte inspiration fra disse kvinder. For som jeg tidligere har understreget er opskrifterne tilføjet her ikke mine egne. Det er opskrifter hvor jeg har ændret lidt hist og her, så jeg kunne spise dem uden bekymringer og derfor tilføjet i mit eget “bibliotek”, om man vil. Blot til orientering.

(more…)

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My sixth sense made me aware, that I had done something wrong. Something I was not supposed to have done. But still. Dead silence. No one said anything. No one explained the confusion or the weird looks being exchanged. No one made a gesture to suggest another solution. I couldn’t as I did not know what was going on. I had to philosophies and analyse into a reason for the whole situation, from the looks exchanged during the event and the quite whispers being frantically exchanged afterwards.

As a kid I grew up with a father that had a mantra. Actually, he had several: “Always go bankrupted in first class”. Or “Just do it. It takes 2 minutes” (about the dishes). But in this case I remember him telling me one thing: “Kat. I don’t know and cannot ever come to know what is going on or what you are thinking unless you tell me.” And that is how, despite growing up in a home where the household mostly consistent of women, we had a male-like tendency in my family to just say things as they were. My father knew when I had my period, because I was, and still is, strangely weird during those times. Or, whenever I was sad. Lonely. Angry. In love. Whatever feeling I struggled with, my father knew.

We women have a weird tendency to just leave things unspoken in some kind of false idea that it might hurt someone to say it out loud. And, while this huge pink elefant just keeps flying around in the room for everyone to notice, even the one’s we’re trying not to hurt, all this tension could’ve been avoided by just saying things straight up and being honest.

And while invisible elefants were blown up to the size of Mount Everest in the minds of everyone affected, one could’ve chosen to just say things as they were and be adult about it. I am strong and independent enough to take it. But I know it is not meant like that. We sometimes tend to deal with things in a certain way in order to ensure less people are being hurt. And in some situations, I believe it is the right thing to do. From personal experience, I sometimes need the time to think for a moment and force myself to either admit I have a problem with something, or it is entirely in my head. Sometimes, all I personally need peace in order to come to grips with all the thoughts and feelings that sometimes overwhelms me. And that’s ok. Not everything needs to be said in the moment it happens. But in most situations, the best you can do is just say whatever is going on – because one might get surprised about how little it might matter anyway.

“A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity”, Dalai Lama.

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For future reference: Do not watch a Russian Ballet without checking up on the story beforehand. It does one no good going in from the streets and watching that kind of thing. #TheSwanLake, #RussianBallet, #ItWasWeirdlyInterestingAndBeautifulToo.

Catching up on my French. I had the language in school and lately I’ve been quite annoyed that I did not learn it completely – because: Job-hunting. So, I am watching Winnie The Pooh – with french subtitles. #BestWayForward, #INowKnowHowToSayHoneyInFrench, #MielIfYouWereInDoubt.

I am however, a lot more successful in brushing up my Arabic. I am having an oddly great self-confidence after reading the first page in the kids book about Ali Baba and the robbers. #ChildrensBooksAreTheBestWayToLearnALanguage, #THANKYOUForGoogleTranslateAndOrdbogen.com.

Dear walker, one does not make a solid argument when you approach me by making minor sexual assaults because you find me doing something wrong. It makes you creepy, and it does not have the impact you think. #Eeeeeew, #HeAlmostTouchedMyBoop, #KeepYourBodyAwayFromMe, #NoWonderIWantedToBikeOnTheSidewalkToGETAWAYFROMYOUCreepyMan!

And, on that note. When you, dear biker, decide to yell at someone random, after that someone was trying to pass by other bikers and thus, could not make you pass first. Do not be a coward and bike as fast as you can away after the fact. Be a strong, independent woman! Stop and take the fight or bite your words! #ForOnceIWasTheOneBeingRight, #Idiot, #IHaveBikersTrauma, #BikersInCopenhagenAreInsane, #UnfortunatelyMyselfIncluded.

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6th of March, 2017: Giving was very easy this month. Actually, despite having foreseen a very dull month due to financial shortage, I have enjoyed life. Unfortunately it was the month my phone decided to go dark on me and I suddenly needed to have it fixed. But, because of savings and careful spending, that was fixable too. But what have surprised me the most is that I did not think twice about giving. I had to – that’s the deal – and I am glad to. The church is a bit more my church when you not only invests time in it – but also invests financially.

I am not going to lie to you. It still annoys me not having the possibility to think freely and I still frequently say to myself, “When I get my first job I need to fix/buy this”. The list is endless but whenever someone asks specifically what I want, I suddenly find it difficult to remember again. And I guess that’s it. I don’t need whatever it is I pointed at about a week ago, if I can’t remember it a week after. Despite everything, I really need a job. I really do. I am going insane. INSANE! But, that’s another blog.
My trip to Atlanta had me thinking about generosity also. My friends are generous, and they inspired me on that note as well. In my travel into a life less determined by greed, a generous life is a good way to drive off as well. My brother has always been good at this, whereas I become a ‘miserly’ old lady inside. I hate that. I want to be able to spend money on people I love, people I care about and be able to support them when they need it. I loved just telling my brother yesterday at a café, that I was going to pay for this. I will have to have my eyes and mind open for opportunities in that section, and my inner miserly old lady kept quiet.

20th of March, 2017: As easy it has been to give this month, as difficult its been to keep reason in my finances. I was proud of myself in the beginning of the month, but as time went the more my normal act of spending with my eyes shut came to the surface. It is times like these where I look back on this month and wonder what would have happened, if I had actually spend with reason. But a new possibility to do better is coming up and I am looking forward to the possibility. I guess it is only when I spend with reason in my personal finances that I can live generously towards the people I care about.

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Previously, going on an adventure was the same as going out travelling. And, while I loooove travelling, the true adventure I find to be life.

This hasn’t always been so. Once, struck by a mild depression I developed a tendency to only go out of my front door, if I knew what lie ahead of me. That meant I did not go anywhere I did not know where was. Because of this, I became more and more depressed until I broke the circle and stepped out of the door despite not knowing what the day brought. This particular day, I went to my first ever festival with a good friend.

Since, I’ve always loved challenging myself. Going where I hadn’t been, doing something I never thought I could. Once, I could not imagine myself finishing my Master’s and now I’m unemployed with a Master’s Degree. I could not going to seminars and conferences alone, now that is the way I network and get in touch with people who can help me find a job.

When I moved to Copenhagen and left my world and life in Aarhus behind, it was yet another adventure to embark upon. Building up a new network. Meet new people. New church. It has not all been peachy and (glutenfree and dairy free) strawberry pies. But if there is not doubt or that aching feeling in my stomach, it is not a true adventure.

To me, an adventure is not travelling only. Adventures is when I have to overcome myself, go down a road and do something I never thought I could.

Today, one of my new adventure is to find employment. A long, and sometimes frustrating, road is ahead of me before I can find a job. But until then I find adventures in the smallest things. Voluntary job. Training towards a half-marathon. Reading 100 books in a year. I guess I find life boring without a challenge to fiddle with.

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“One is Danish first, and then you can be whatever you want”, said a Danish politician, at a conference held in Vartov some weeks ago. That statement stayed with me. The thing is, I never considered myself Danish first. Of course, I consider myself Danish. Just not firstly. A rapid, alert and bright answer from another member at the panel debate followed, “I consider myself human first…” and the crowed laughed. To me being human is not a religiously neutral way of life. Me considering myself human, means that I consider myself created in God’s image. Thus, I guess I consider myself Christian first. Followed thereafter by nationality, culture and so forth. So where lies the problem really?

The problem lies with the fear of religion. The fear of people believing in something so much, they are willing to put their believe-system before anything else. And now, dear reader you probably turn your attention towards Muslims and Islam. Because in Western societies, that is the religion we fear. We fear the consequences of allowing a minority in our societies to believe. We fear what the parallel societies may do to our culture. But despite the fact that Christian believers may not be as many considering the size of the Danish population for instance, we are a big group. And we too, in some sense make parallel societies. We sometimes speak “a different language” despite doing it in Danish. What I am trying to make you – reader – understand is the clash between two worlds. The Danish politicians talk about parallel societies, poor integration into Danish society and then they point their fingers discreetly towards other religious groups. Truth is, considering what I experience to be the norm amongst “common Danes” I might also be poorly integrated. I speak Danish, I know the history, I understand the culture. I just choose not to akt like everyone else and sometimes speak differently. Because I believe in something bigger than culture and language.

I have a lot of friends who accepts me for who I am, and most of them have never really told me how I am supposed to act. But, sometimes. Every now and again I see the ugly face of Religion-Fear. It creeps into people who don’t know me and hears of my very religious behaviour without knowing me.

I experience that I “muzzle” myself, so to speak. There are certain things I do not touch upon when I am with people who does not know me as well. Certain ways of saying things that I refrain from whenever I am with people who wouldn’t understand.

And, that is when I feel it. Society does not want me to be myself. At the utmost, I shall be what the norm dictates. Sit back and listen to what the atheist say – without defending myself. In fear of what religion could do to our society, I fear that we have created our own sense of freedom of speech. A freedom where you can say certain things – while others will be frowned upon. Luckily, I don’t care. I know my freedom in a country as Denmark, and I will be loyal to the society which have given me so much. But if the same society keeps pushing me over the edge. Keeps pointing fingers at me while saying I am not allowed to be me, I’m not sure that loyalty will stick. In my life I have made an honest attempt as not to tell others how they should live their lifes, but this does not go the other way around. I often have an experience of people telling me how I should live, muzzling me. The thing is, that we in Denmark are raised to believe that we can go in whatever way we want – as long as it does not interfere or disrupt in other peoples life-paths in a terrorising and destructive way. So, of course the result will be a population with different sets of believes and ways of thinking. A multi-culturality we cannot ignore.

Of course new things, worldviews and so forth are frightening. Once upon a time men believed that women was only to their pleasure and it was dangerous to let them vote – look at us now. Right now, in the US there are miners who are afraid of what will happen if their jobs are no longer. Afraid of the new path and clutching on to something they already know, in fear of the day they have to face new possibilities. I don’t know their situation exactly, but their situation made me think about us today. In Denmark. Maybe the fear of the unknown are overshadowing the many good possibilities in allowing different cultures to thrive. Sometimes the best step to take – is that step into the unknown. Maybe its time to start opening up to get to know each others instead of fearing each others. Maybe its time to stop fearing religion and start fearing the actual enemy of our society: the naive idea that just because I am not Dane first, and confide in a religion I am an enemy to our society.

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25/2-2017

Som om en eller anden på TV2’s redaktion havde haft en forudanelse om dagens begivenheder, havde TV2 udgivet en artikel der fik mig til at grine og mindes den mand som var min morfar. “Derfor drejer verdens største fragtfirma (næsten) aldrig til venstre“, mindede mig om, min morfars erklæring om, at han ikke drejede til venstre og kun til højre. Jeg ved ikke om hans argumenter var de samme som UPS. Men dengang morede det os i min familie. Denne dag blev denne artikel et lille minde om en mand der altid havde en besynderlige idéer, men altid kun ville os det bedste. Også selvom man ikke altid forstod hvad det så var. Denne morgen erfarede jeg, at min Morfar var død.

Døden syntes at have taget sit indtog i mit liv på mange måder. Det er som om man ser dens triste manifestation i ens liv mere tydeligt, når man selv har haft den tæt inde på livet. For mit vedkommende er det over 4 år siden, jeg mistede min egen far til en blodprop i hjertet. Han blev kun 50 år.

Jeg husker min morfars sammensunkne væsen siddende i sin bils passagersæde, alt imens jeg drønede i deres lille røde lyn. For sådan var det typisk hvis mormor og morfar skulle besøges. Morfar hentede mig ved stationen og jeg kørte bilen. En gang kom jeg til at køre over for rødt – eller taxa rødt som vi kalder det. Jeg husker tydeligt at vende mig og sige “Undskyld Morfar”, hvortil hans svar var, “vi er alle sammen syndere”.

Og sådan er der sikkert flere minder der kunne nævnes om denne, for dig, kære læser, ubetydelige mand. Mit sidste besøg hos mine bedsteforældre, bemærkede jeg en forandring hos dem. Min meget magre morfar var bundet til en hospitalsseng grundet mange forskellige ting. Da morfar slog øjnene op denne dag, mødte hans blik min mormors og hans ansigt lyste op. Han rakte hånden ud mod min mormors ansigt, aede den mens han indtrængende spurgte til, hvordan hun havde sovet. Min bror, min mor og mig selv stod som naglet ved døråbningen. På et tidspunkt kiggede jeg væk, for – det var vel et privat og intimt øjeblik.

Jeg tror på at der er mange gode ting i vente for min mormors fremtid – en kvinde jeg beundrer dybt. Men lige denne weekend, var der en mørk sky ind over vores liv – om vi var enige med ham eller ej. Dødens grumme tag havde endnu engang prikket til mit liv selvom det ikke var lige så chokerende en oplevelse som med min far.

Farvel Morfar.

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I’ve always hated bloggers’ help lists. As if I couldn’t have figured that out on my own? But one of my favourite bloggers made a checklist for travelling. you know one of those cross-off while packing, and I kind of liked it. What I’m trying to say is, that you probably already have your way of making sure traveling is not a bitch when trying to stay gluten- and dairy free. I know I have mine, and I want to share it with you. If you have any good ideas and tips, don’t refrain from sharing them with me – maybe I will make a fancy travel-list some day! ;).

1. Research: Make a list of restaurants, cafés and supermarkets that may sell gluten- and dairy free products.
2. Packing: If you go by plain – pack food in the luggage you check in that can survive a long plain-trip. I usually pack crackers, rice-cakes and nuts. Food that is dry and does not need a fridge. Other types of transport: Not that difficult to pack some food, nuts, fruit and other things that will silence the small hunger until arriving at your destination.
3. On the way: Bring packed lunch for the waiting in the airport or the long bus-ride.
4. Checked in: Go for a trip downtown to the nearest supermarket and buy fruit and what else you can find that can help you while checking out possible eating locations.
5. Holiday: Go for an adventure. Do not be afraid of asking for whatever allergic specifications you need. Usually everybody loves a paying customer and is willing to go far to make sure you can eat at their restaurant/Café as well.

Have a safe trip.

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